What is my worth and how do I calculate it?
My bank account says I have a couple of hundred thousands – is that my worth?My salary statement says I make a fraction of what I used to years ago – is that my worth?
The husband says he cannot do without me. The girls think they may not survive without me. Is running their lives my worth?
My housekeeper requires me to constantly need her, so that my money can constantly feed her. Is her need my worth?
My colleagues think I am great at what I do, and should be in a corner office making a fortune. Is their opinion of me my worth?
A few who read what I write, say a book I hold inside — is being a writer my worth?
My words, floating all around, tell me my calling I have finally found — is the fulfillment of a long lost dream my worth?
My prized possessions, my meager earnings, my hard work, my tiny rewards; my lovely home, my lovelier girls; my few friends, my fewer lovers. Do they determine my worth?
But if they did, I would not have been declared ‘low on self worth’.
So what is my worth and how do I measure it?
My worth is in my lost dreams, it lurks is in the crevices my broken heart;
It can be found in the ambitions I killed, it lives in the compromises I chose to reach.
My worth is in every no I said to myself when I could have said yes, in every yes I said when I should have said no;
It is in every dream I should have nurtured but decided to let it go, and every relationship I murdered for the sake of another to grow.
My worth lives inside every friend I lost, it lays dead is in every love I left in the past; my worth is in my failures, my vices, my demons, and my choices.
It lives inside the rejections and my abjection, it thrives on my heartache and my heartbreaks.
My worth is in all that I should have seen, should have done, could have been,
It is in the truths that I should have perceived, in the life I could have achieved.
No wonder it is in a deep pit, along with my soul, spirit, and my being;
So deep inside a gutter that it can no longer be heard, felt, or seen.