Of the many things that I have made peace with in my life, death of relationships isn’t one. Every now and then when I see a friend drifting apart I try to act nonchalant. I tell myself it doesn’t matter. I tell others that people grow apart.
I try not to do things I did with my lost friend. I try not to think of how fulfilling it was to have him. Every time I am reminded of the person, i do something else. Everytime I hear of him from someone I can feel a deep put in my stomach. I know my eyes are swelling up but I smile. I change the topic or move away – no, I am too proud to let anyone know how empty I am without just one person.
This person doesn’t have to be a lover, or a best friend. He could just be a colleague or a neighbour. He could be someone I travelled with in a bus or sang songs with on a stage.
But of course more often than not it is a friend you had hoped to grow old with — a girlfriend you grew up with, a boyfriend you hoped to stay together with. People who you thought couldn’t be with out you, people you couldn’t live without. And one fine day you realise your lives run perfectly well without each other. Only there is a tiny hole that no one but you can see.
Yesterday, when I mentioned to a friend (who I have not yet lost, thankfully), how I have been meaning to write about my dead friendships – far too many to count – she said I’d do a great job of it. You will, she said, write that beautifully. I am not sure though.
Writing about someone means I am letting that person out of my system. That he – or she – will no longer a part of my subconscious. That my grief and loss would be a public property. That while I have lost the person already, I will no longer be able to hold him inside my heart even. But most of all it means accepting that I am incomplete without someone who is complete without me.
I am not sure if I am ready to face that. And so, while my heart may beat a little lesser every day, my smiles may get a little faker everyday and my soul may be getting a little emptier every day, I cannot write about those who are causing it.