It rained really hard today, the way it did when we were together. That was the last time I got wet in the rain. I did it again today, it made me smile, it made me sing, it made me happy.
Our relationship has always been complicated, no one knows what it was, I doubt even you or I understood it. Yes, I thought I loved you and I knew you did not. It was like a silent understanding between the two of us, a promise that we shall never talk about it. It would have worked fine had you chosen to tell me about her.
When you eventually told me, I was happy for you, but I felt terribly betrayed by the person I trusted the most, that killed our relationship. I have no complaints however, what you gave me was much more than what you took away, in fact you took away nothing at all.
The few days spent with you were and will always be the best of my life, most cherished, most memorable and the happiest. I lived my dream and you did all you could to make it true. That was the last time I was really, really happy.
The walking in the rain, the talking in the bed, the smoking in the corridor and the drinking at the bar — all mundane, everyday things had elevated to another level with you. I know it made you happy too, just being around, reading, sleeping and talking. You never had a woman for company other than me, no one so close. I’m glad we never made love, it would have spoilt everything.
I had seen your eyes just as I prepared to leave, like you, they were sad too. Perhaps you knew that we will not meet again. Knowing that would have made me sad then, but today I am happy that we did not. I would rather live with happy memories than sad realities.
When I miss you, I look you up on FB and your smile brings a smile to my face. It does not matter that you are with someone else – so long as you are happy, and you do look happy.
I just want to know, tell me if you can — is that the tie that I gave you, the one that you wore for your graduation? I hope it was.
I know you always loved me and I never felt the same way but you were special and will always be. You were the only woman in my life for close to thirty years – that is a long time. I was never sure of what I felt for you, I still am not.
After you left, there was a vacuum. The rain, the bed, the corridor, the bar – all felt different and aloof. I had spent years alone at these very places but in two days they had totally transformed — they reminded me of you — all the time. I longed for you and you were way out of my reach. That is when I met her, she filled up the vacuum that you created. She even looked a little like you.
It was difficult to tell you about her, I was not sure of your reaction and I did not want to lose you. Had it not been for that emotional, semi-drunk outburst, you might not have known about her for many more months.
About making love, only I know how I resisted it. It would have complicated things further. But I wanted you — badly.
You can at least look at me, I, on the other hand have to make do with the stuff that reminds me of you. When I miss you, I put on the black kurta and tuck in the red Sheaffer in the pocket – both old and worn out.
By the way, it was the same tie – I wore it for my wedding too.